I got a very touching email recently from a sweet mother who had a question for me about my moles. This woman’s daughter has become self conscious of her skin because she has moles on her face and is being teased for them at school. In hopes of understanding and helping her daughter, she asked me how I feel about my many moles and if I was ever teased. Here is what I have to say.
For starters, I don’t remember being teased at a young age for my moles and I think there are two reasons for this. One, I was homeschooled until 8th grade and may have just not been in an environment where that kind of teasing took place. I mean, I’m the 5th out of 6 children and there was definitely teasing going on at home, but I think family teasing is different than friend/classmate teasing because you aren’t as worried about fitting in. And two, I grew up with very nice girlfriends. My friends in Tennessee were and are the most supportive and loving friends in the world and I’m still friends with all of them. They are just good girls…not jealous and not competitive. I was/am very lucky.
However, in the middle of 8th grade, I moved to a small town in southern Utah. I’m not trying to generalize the state of Utah..or even the town, but I had a very rough first few years there. I found that I was suddenly, for the first time in my entire life, surrounded by gossiping and teasing. Most of the girls I knew teased and talked bad about each other and I found myself becoming insecure. I wasn’t ever the prettiest girl in Tennessee (I developed very late which was a big deal in those years) but I never felt bad about it and wasn’t striving to change it. But in Utah, I quickly became really worried about the way I dressed, wearing make up and I started begging my mom for highlights and fake nails. It all started because I didn’t want people to have a reason to tease me. I even remember being teased because I didn’t pluck my eyebrows, when I had never even heard of that before. If you’ve seen the movie “Mean Girls” it’s a lot like that. You go Glen Coco.
Anyway, yes, I was teased badly for my moles, by both boys and girls. It really hurt my feelings. There was an Austin Powers movie with a character that has a huge mole on his face. It’s kind of a well known scene. Anyway, I watched that movie with a bunch of friends and everyone turned to me during that scene. I felt so uncomfortable and self-conscious. After that, people would quote that scene to me once in a while, it always made me feel bad. I remember another time at a party. I thought I was having a really deep conversation with a good friend of the guy I was dating. He interrupted me to say “Holy **** you are moley”. I still can’t believe how rude that was. I wouldn’t have ever dreamed of saying, “holy crap you’re short for a guy.”
Another one…One of the little girls I nannied asked me why I had “brown cuts” all over my body. That was actually kind of funny.
What I wished I’d known during those years, is that they don’t last forever, or even very long. Those years don’t matter to me at all anymore. If/when someone teased me like that now, I think I’d just feel sorry for them. When you’re young and you get teased, you think it’s because there is something wrong with you. But when you grow up, you realize it is and always was the person teasing others who has something wrong with them. In my experience, this is 100% true. The teasers are the ones who were insecure, and unfortunately they probably still are. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to be the one who was teased instead of the one who did the teasing. I’m not saying I’m anywhere near perfect, and wish I would have had more courage to speak up for myself and others who were teased. I usually just sat there nervously laughing so no one would see how much it really hurt my feelings. I wish I wouldn’t have ever let it get to me, but it always did. On the bright side, I dare someone to do it now.
I think my skin was always my biggest insecurity and even though it doesn’t bother me as much, it still probably is. I do sometimes wish for flawless skin because on top of my moles, I also have a lot of scars. One on my face from a past abusive relationship, a c-section and two skin cancer surgeries just to name a few of the big ones. I grew to love these scars for being my signs of strength and survival and one day I realized that without my moles I wouldn’t look like myself. The two on my cheek are some of my most recognizable features, and I actually think they are adorable. I feel like they make me unique and give me character. I hate to think of having had them removed at a young age. They are a part of me just like my hazely-green eyes and my cheesy smile. Like my skin cancer scar, I don’t try to pretend they aren’t there. Maybe the prettiest woman in Hollywood doesn’t have moles on her face or a huge scar on her chest, but by not covering them up I’m hopefully showing that I have more to me, and can have confidence anyway. Because I do.
My parents told me I was beautiful, but they focused more on the importance of me being smart, hard working and good to others. Oh yeah, and funny. I know it probably hurts more than anything to see your children be teased, but it wont last forever. Get them through it by making sure they know how great you think they are, and by making sure the place they come home to is full of joy and love. Real self worth and a stable home are everything.
I wish I had better (or any) advice to go along with my story, but unfortunately the teasing and hurt feelings are a terribly unfair part of life. The good news is that the recipients of teasing grow metaphorical hair on their chests and become awesome people. I can’t say the same for the bullies.
Kisses to little J. Cheek to cheek and mole to mole.
