So, if it hasn’t been wildly obvious on my blog over the last 4 months, I am going to go ahead and officially tell you right now that I’m getting divorced.
It was weird in the beginning. It was weird to say that we were separated. Then one day go from saying we were “separated” to “getting divorced”. A lot of things were weird in the first handful of weeks. Sometimes they’re weird again, but mostly I find myself really settling in nicely to my new life alone.
You want to know something beautiful that I learned in therapy? Alone is a very positive word. If you split it into two words, you have “all” and “one”. All one meaning you’re whole, you’re complete on your own without anyone else there. Although I’d say I’m still on a long path to healing, I’m feeling very much satisfied being alone. It turns out I’m a real woman. A strong woman who is capable of so much more than I knew I was. I love it. I walk down the street smiling at the thought of being happy alone. I feel good. I feel healthy. I feel peaceful.
I can’t (and wont) say much about the facts, but basically the marriage was never very healthy. I’ll speak for myself and say that I loved him very much. More than I’ve loved anyone else in the world. Unfortunately the relationship was just never stable, never solid. Without going into detail, it was extreme highs and extreme lows. The love you saw in the pictures was real, but there were exhausting lows that prevented me (us?) from ever feeling real security, starting even when we were first dating. My love for him and hope for a happy life together prevented me from giving up. I tried my hardest to save/mend the relationship, but I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t meant to last. I don’t know anyone else who gambled on a marriage they didn’t think would last, but I wanted it to and was willing to try anything. In the end, I’m happy I (we) tried. The separation was a long time coming, and I’ve realized now that although it was painful to drag it out, it was necessary for it to be that way in order to know that the final decision was the right one. I’ll never forget those first few weeks. I was both completely devastated at the reality but also completely certain and relieved that it was the right thing to do.
I’ve never done this before. I’m really doing my best to do it in a healthy and dignified way. I have had some shameful slip ups, but overall I’m proud of myself. It takes time, and I’m giving myself time. I remember one night early on where I laid in bed and prayed I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I couldn’t see my way out of the pain I was feeling every moment of every day. That now seems like a lifetime ago. I can’t believe how good I feel and I know it’s just going to continue to get better.
I’m letting go of the hurt, blame and betrayal I’ve felt. Therapy has been so helpful and necessary for that. I couldn’t possibly have written a post like this until the last month or two, and I’m glad I waited. Thank you for your support and love. And thank you for respecting my privacy at this time.
Peace and Love from a woman who is proudly all one.
be assured of my thoughts & prayers.
We don’t need to know the details of your heartbreak but I’m glad you faced it head on in your writing and are moving on.
I’m so glad you’re happy and healing!
It is so very important to feel safe and secure in a relationship…I hope that for you in the future.
You and your daughter deserve it.
But alone is good.
Glad you’re embracing it!
Good luck to you.
I sincerely wish you the best.
I married a man I knew from te beginning wasn’t going to last. We have been divorced 5 years. We were married for 5 years and I have it my all. But two people have to give it their all and sometimes it just doesn’t work out. Thinking of you.
Reagan.. oh my not actual friend but I’m pretending like I do. You. Are. A. Badass. Thank you for being so brave as to expose such a truth, as much as you are comfortable with. Even if it is none of my business I have worried about the condition of that heart of yours. So glad you are whole and doing so well.
Beautiful!
Thanks for being so brave and honest while still keeping everything appropriate and graceful.
You are in my thoughts right now.
I’ve never been married, and the one thing I know I don’t want to go through is a divorce. No one does. It’s why I don’t feel the least bad about being single at 25. I know the odds are stacked highly against my friends and family who wedded before then.
In light of blog after blog after blog where marriage is held up as the golden ticket and everyone’s marriage seems outrageously happy it’s nice to hear someone be so honest. I wish other bloggers could be just as real.
You are a beautiful, strong and capable woman. I’m excited to see what God and life has in store for you.
Good for you Reagan! I wish you the best, life only gives us what we can handle. Out of all of this god gave you a sweet (and sassy) beautiful little girl who LOVES you very much1
Right on, dudette!
I am one of your admirers who wishes she had your style. You are an amazing, talented, STRONG woman and I’m hurting as I realize how much pain you’ve been in–even though I actually don’t know you at all. Hang in there! I know that sounds so incredibly lame and inadequate, and I’m so sorry.
Truly hard to think and very frustrating when this things happen but life must go on, i know and i believe that you can handle this all. In time, you will realize that all things happen for a reason. Stay strong, my prayers is for you.
I found your link somewhere else. I landed in this post as the first post I read. I scrolled back, fell in love with Piper and decided to start reading from the beginning. I’m sorry this is how it came down. Really. But I feel as though you’re going to come out of things better. You and Piper both. The best of luck to you and Piper (an absolute miracle and, trust me, I do not say that about anything ever), but really? I think you’re going to be better than fine.
Love,
(to borrow a term from another blogger)
A new stranger/friend
I used to read your blog a lot and then I just stopped reading blogs all together and then for some reason today I was wondering about Miss Piper J, so I popped on here. So sorry to read about you going through hard things. It’s funny that you can really grow to like people you don’t even know after reading their blogs (makes me feel like a creep, actually), but you are obviously a very fun person. I have a lot of friends going through hard things (divorces) and I sometimes wish I could punch their husband’s in the face (I know that’s not your intent in sharing your situation, but I just can’t help it.) I think most people are inquisitive because they want to circle their wagons around you and it’s nice to have ammo. You do what you gotta do and share what you wanna share. And know that someone you don’t even know is cheering for you!
I am glad to hear your heart is continuing to heal and be happy again. You’re a fighter just like your baby girl!
I really love hearing about and seeing Piper Jane. That in itself is enough to keep you wonderful blob going! Thanks for sharing her with the world!
Love to you. I think you can tell from all the comments, you aren’t alone in this.
love you, babes.
i’ve never commented before. but. i, too, gambled on a marriage that i didn’t think would last.
couch time is an amazing healer
you are amazing. pip is amazing. keep on, and peace will come
Girl, I have so been exactly where you are! Know that you have lots of anonymous cheerleaders all over the place sending you positive energy.
I know country music isn’t really your thing, but the song ” Little Miss” by Sugarland was my theme song thru the first year or so. I read Eat Pray Love, and watched the movie a bazillion times, and made ” I am enough” my mantra when it got kinda hard to breathe.
Thanks for being brave enough to share your story!
Girlfriend…you rock and will do many amazing things as time passes….just look at what you’ve accomplished thus far. Rock on! You are a brave, strong, loving woman who is going to rock on!
xo,Adele
Haven’t read your blob in…well a very long time. I posted a few years ago when I first found your blob. I had a son with special needs who left us too soon and couldn’t read for a while. I know what it’s like to be in a sad place, only for different reasons. But I did feel alone. Grief, for whatever reason, is something we must all face alone. I’m so happy to see you’re finding peace. Glad to see you’re hopeful! Hope can always be restored, but it takes time to search it out.
Today I was thinking about your cute little Pip. She looks fantastic! Riding a tricycle, work it!
You have much to be grateful for. Give that sweet Piper Jane a big hug!
Love,
A stranger/friend
You’re a great person, and I know you’ll do fine. I hope Jake and you can work out a good parenting relationship.
Take care!