So, if it hasn’t been wildly obvious on my blog over the last 4 months, I am going to go ahead and officially tell you right now that I’m getting divorced.
It was weird in the beginning. It was weird to say that we were separated. Then one day go from saying we were “separated” to “getting divorced”. A lot of things were weird in the first handful of weeks. Sometimes they’re weird again, but mostly I find myself really settling in nicely to my new life alone.
You want to know something beautiful that I learned in therapy? Alone is a very positive word. If you split it into two words, you have “all” and “one”. All one meaning you’re whole, you’re complete on your own without anyone else there. Although I’d say I’m still on a long path to healing, I’m feeling very much satisfied being alone. It turns out I’m a real woman. A strong woman who is capable of so much more than I knew I was. I love it. I walk down the street smiling at the thought of being happy alone. I feel good. I feel healthy. I feel peaceful.
I can’t (and wont) say much about the facts, but basically the marriage was never very healthy. I’ll speak for myself and say that I loved him very much. More than I’ve loved anyone else in the world. Unfortunately the relationship was just never stable, never solid. Without going into detail, it was extreme highs and extreme lows. The love you saw in the pictures was real, but there were exhausting lows that prevented me (us?) from ever feeling real security, starting even when we were first dating. My love for him and hope for a happy life together prevented me from giving up. I tried my hardest to save/mend the relationship, but I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t meant to last. I don’t know anyone else who gambled on a marriage they didn’t think would last, but I wanted it to and was willing to try anything. In the end, I’m happy I (we) tried. The separation was a long time coming, and I’ve realized now that although it was painful to drag it out, it was necessary for it to be that way in order to know that the final decision was the right one. I’ll never forget those first few weeks. I was both completely devastated at the reality but also completely certain and relieved that it was the right thing to do.
I’ve never done this before. I’m really doing my best to do it in a healthy and dignified way. I have had some shameful slip ups, but overall I’m proud of myself. It takes time, and I’m giving myself time. I remember one night early on where I laid in bed and prayed I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I couldn’t see my way out of the pain I was feeling every moment of every day. That now seems like a lifetime ago. I can’t believe how good I feel and I know it’s just going to continue to get better.
I’m letting go of the hurt, blame and betrayal I’ve felt. Therapy has been so helpful and necessary for that. I couldn’t possibly have written a post like this until the last month or two, and I’m glad I waited. Thank you for your support and love. And thank you for respecting my privacy at this time.
Peace and Love from a woman who is proudly all one.