Piper Jane and Aunt Melanie in June. Doing knucks.

I’ve been doing “knucks” with piperjane for a long time now. High fives too, but knucks is really something she and I have especially shared a love for. When you hold out your hand in a fist, you see her make the connection. She looks at your hand, pauses what she is doing for a half a second, smiles hugely, and reaches her little fist out to complete the knucks. Sometimes we’ll do it over and over again. Sometimes it’s a matter of business that she takes very seriously with a stern look on her face, and sometimes it’s so hilarious that she has to have a moment afterwords to laugh into her blanket.

The other day I had Pip on my lap when I lifted my arm to check my watch. Without knowing I was making a fist while looking at the time, I felt a tiny Pip fist complete the knucks against my fist. It was a moment I wished I had a blanket to laugh into.

It’s the little things in life, eh? The cute little things..

So, if it hasn’t been wildly obvious on my blog over the last 4 months, I am going to go ahead and officially tell you right now that I’m getting divorced.

It was weird in the beginning. It was weird to say that we were separated. Then one day go from saying we were “separated” to “getting divorced”. A lot of things were weird in the first handful of weeks. Sometimes they’re weird again, but mostly I find myself really settling in nicely to my new life alone.

You want to know something beautiful that I learned in therapy? Alone is a very positive word. If you split it into two words, you have “all” and “one”. All one meaning you’re whole, you’re complete on your own without anyone else there. Although I’d say I’m still on a long path to healing, I’m feeling very much satisfied being alone. It turns out I’m a real woman. A strong woman who is capable of so much more than I knew I was. I love it. I walk down the street smiling at the thought of being happy alone. I feel good. I feel healthy. I feel peaceful.

I can’t (and wont) say much about the facts, but basically the marriage was never very healthy. I’ll speak for myself and say that I loved him very much. More than I’ve loved anyone else in the world. Unfortunately the relationship was just never stable, never solid. Without going into detail, it was extreme highs and extreme lows. The love you saw in the pictures was real, but there were exhausting lows that prevented me (us?) from ever feeling real security, starting even when we were first dating. My love for him and hope for a happy life together prevented me from giving up. I tried my hardest to save/mend the relationship, but I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t meant to last. I don’t know anyone else who gambled on a marriage they didn’t think would last, but I wanted it to and was willing to try anything. In the end, I’m happy I (we) tried. The separation was a long time coming, and I’ve realized now that although it was painful to drag it out, it was necessary for it to be that way in order to know that the final decision was the right one. I’ll never forget those first few weeks. I was both completely devastated at the reality but also completely certain and relieved that it was the right thing to do.

I’ve never done this before. I’m really doing my best to do it in a healthy and dignified way. I have had some shameful slip ups, but overall I’m proud of myself. It takes time, and I’m giving myself time. I remember one night early on where I laid in bed and prayed I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I couldn’t see my way out of the pain I was feeling every moment of every day. That now seems like a lifetime ago. I can’t believe how good I feel and I know it’s just going to continue to get better.

I’m letting go of the hurt, blame and betrayal I’ve felt. Therapy has been so helpful and necessary for that. I couldn’t possibly have written a post like this until the last month or two, and I’m glad I waited. Thank you for your support and love. And thank you for respecting my privacy at this time.

Peace and Love from a woman who is proudly all one.

I’m alive! And I’m well. I’m so well. Thank you to those who checked in on me

Although I’m not sure what this blog’s purpose is anymore, and I’m still figuring out what it’s future is (or isn’t), I thought I’d share some sweet photos I’ve taken over the last few months. I’ve had visitors and adventures and one of the best summers of my life. How is that even possible?

I hope you enjoy the little catch up.

My Parents and Pip.

Me and my Karrie.

Stealing a smooch.

Piperjane perfecting her fish face like her Aunt Mel.

Aunt Mel and Uncle Nathan.

Bridget Hunt and me!

a couple of bada**es in the sunshine.

Paddle boarding in Miami.

Gussied up in Miami

Me and Maggs in DC

Little Erin at my salon.

My sister and I in DC.

I hope you’re enjoying your summer as much as I am! This is happening.

“She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way she adjusted her sails.”
~Elizabeth Edwards.

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing hope. I’m a positive person, I’m upbeat by nature, but I have often felt like as soon as I’ve started to understand or get used to the enormous trials life has thrown my way, there is something bigger and badder knocking at my door. I’m feeling exhausted and so incredibly done with this. And when all along I thought the sacrifices I’ve made and the hardships I’ve endured would be wildly worth it one day, it’s hard to not question if they ever really will. I’ve never worried about losing hope, it’s just never crossed my mind to think that better times aren’t going to come. So tonight, when it seems impossible to get through this…with the hurt feelings and the overwhelming burdens and the loss of friendships, I needed a gust of hope.

Thank you to Kelly for the talk. Thank you to Erin for the talk. Thank you to Karrie for the day. And thank you to Rebecca for the email.

Oh, and thank you to Elizabeth for the hope.

Come on sails, let’s go catch some wind.

All I have to say right now is that I miss you.

I love this blog. I’ve thought about ending it a few times because of the shambles my life is in, but I literally want to throw up at that thought. I can’t do it.

Sidenote: I still don’t check the traffic, I’ve never really been one for that, but in case there was any confusion..I’m so glad you are here. I’m so glad you read. I’m so glad to get emails from you and comments from you and I’m just glad you want to join in on the action. I still feel bad about hollerin’ at the mean yous a while back, but I also still feel like it was the right thing for me to do at the time. You are all welcome to be here except for the ones of you who are jerks.

Anyway, yes I miss you so much.

And I want to write. I have so many hilarious stories that I wish I could share. You wouldn’t believe some of the trouble that has just fallen straight from hell directly into my lap sent by some kind of angry devil demon. Most of it is not funny, some of it is actually kind of scary, but there’s enough that some can’t be dealt with in any other way besides laughter. None of this can be written about publicly unfortunately. Y’all, my life is like a lifetime movie right now. One that is equal parts comedy and drama. I mean, when I say this stuff out loud to friends and family I can’t believe I’m talking about my own life. It’s funny and so so not funny at the same time. You get the picture.

But also I’m doing so good. I’m spending really really really great times with Piperjane. Like, our relationship is completely different these days. When I hang out with her I can’t believe I stayed in a situation that got in the way of our relationship for so long. I realized I’ve spent her whole life trying my hardest to keep a sinking ship afloat and as hard as that is to admit, I’m just happy to be starting fresh..and for the chance to make it up to her. I can now devote so much more time and love and energy to that pip and more to myself and my family/friendships all at the same time.

Honestly it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I mean it.